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Sharktopus Versus WhaleWolf Versus Sharknado (Bill Singer Cries for Help)
July 20, 2015So . . . yesterday I was getting ready to watch what I would call a combination science and documentary film about ichthyology, genetics, and animal husbandry. I explained to my wife that the movie was something that she often watches on the National Geographic channel. She's an animal lover.
Imagine my shock and surprise
when the film started on the acclaimed SyFy channel and my
spouse not only asked if I was an idiot but also demanded the television remote
control and admonished that I had lost my television show selection privileges
for a month. I mean, c'mon, what's so low-brow about "Sharktopus vs.
Whalewolf"?
In defending my viewing choice,
I explained to my wife that there was substantial artistic merit and cinema
verite in the unfolding drama about a scientist (okay, one of those
"mad" scientists) who spliced the genes of a killer whale with that
of a wolf to create a Whalewolf. She seemed to have forgotten the power of my
explanations in 2010 about how Sharktopus was genetically engineered from a shark and octopus
by the US Navy as part of of project to develop a combat-ready killing machine.
You see what I mean about how credible these characters are? In any event, it
turns out that the only thing between the Whalewolf and its human being
smorgasbord is Sharktopus, which I thought had been blown apart in its first
on-screen role.
Alas, I will never know who won
that epic battle because my wife made me watch some show about a couple visiting
three homes and arguing over which they were going to live in. In any event, I'm sure that the film trailer
below will support my contention that Sharktopus vs.
Whalewolf was not far-fetched and made for morons, which I think was
the gist of my wife's argument. Of course, I'm hoping that they will soon film
Shartopus versus WhaleWerewolf, in which a half-shark/half-octopus does battle
with a half-whale/
half-werewolf.
All of which leads me to
Wednesday, July 22nd, when I have told my wife that we will be watching a
British costume drama on PBS. She was okay with that. Duh. What she doesn't know is that I am planning on
watching "Sharknado 3: Oh Hell
No!"
This is going to present a
challenge based upon my wife's earlier reaction to the Sharktopus and Whalewolf
movie -- and, to be fair, she sort of warned me after sittting through
Sharknado 2 that she had no plans of watching any more of
that crap. Now in Sharknado
3: Oh Hell No!, we are not dealing
with the combination tornado and shark terror in Los Angeles or New York City.
This time it's a completely new
plot.
In Sharknado
3: Oh Hell No! the meteorfishilogical phenomenon will attack both
Washington, D.C. and Orlando, Florida. That's totally different from setting
the film in either L.A. or the Big Apple. And it's totally
awesome!
This third installment not only
has Ian Ziering and Tara Reid reprising their nearly-Academy Award winning
performances (despite not having been nominated for the Oscar in the two prior
installments) but purportedly will have walk on and eaten-whole performances by
Mark Cuban (from Shark Tank to Sharknado!) and David Hasselhoff (from Baywatch
to Shark watch). In order to give the whole Capitol Hill thing some realism,
former Congresswoman Michele Bachman is also scheduled to appear. If you think I'm making this up, look at this
full cast: READ
For all those spouses who will
be on TV-lockdown and forbidden to watch Sharknado
3: Oh Hell No! on Wednesday evening, here is the
trailer: