An irreverent Wall Street Blog
FBI Agent Josh and Where's Waldo? Where's OWB?
May 26, 2017Just a couple of fun items for those of you unfortunate to find yourself in the office on the Friday before the Memorial Day weekend.
This morning, the following email appeared in my Inbox:
NOTICE OF ONGOING INVESTIGATIONFBI OFFICE <"WWW."@space.ocn.ne.jp>8:29 AM (14 minutes ago)Federal Bureau Of InvestigationsHeadquarters Washington Dc.Building 935 Pennsylvania Ave.NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001E-Mail: fbi.gov0012@usa.comNOTICE OF ONGOING INVESTIGATION
Truly, I would love to respond to FBI Agent Jackson Josh but, gosh darnit, I'm just sooooo busy these days and something is telling me that maybe, and it's just a hunch, that I probably shouldn't initiate a dialog with the sender. Still . . . if I were going to reply, it would likely go something like:Attn Recipient:This is agent Josh, we were sent by the Acting Director of Federal Bureau of Investigation (Andrew G. McCabe), we are currently in Africa as an FBI/ United States delegate that have been delegated to investigate these fraudsters who are in the business of swindling Foreigners that has transactions in Africa.Be informed that during our investigations we found out that there is a total amount of $2.5 Million that has been assigned in your name as the beneficiary and these fraudsters are busy swindling you without any hope of receiving your fund, these are the works of the fraudsters who needed to extort money from you in the name of this transfer, We have to inform you that we have arrested some men in respect of this delayed overdue fund. We have a very limited time to stay in Africa here so I advise you urgently respond to this message.These criminals will be caught unaware and we don't want them to know this new development to avoid jeopardizing our investigation, you need to conceal anything that has to do with this exercise to enable us get all the necessary information we required.I will be expecting your swift response as soon as you receive this email and notify us of any message or phone call you receive from those fraudsters for us to investigate on it before you make any contact with them.In case if found this message in spam folder, it could be due to your Internet Service Provider, ISP. So kindly move to your inbox before replying.Regards,JACKSON JOSHInternational Banking Unit862 955-2836
TO: www.@space.ocn.ne.jpFROM: Bill SingerRE: Reply to Notice of Ongoing FBI InvestigationAttn: FBI Agent Jackson JoshDear FBI Agent Josh:This is lawyer Singer, we are replying to your Notice of Ongoing FBI Investigation.My, what a great name you have.You almost sound like someone who was Rocky's adversary in one of those boxing films. Did you know Apollo Creed? Did you meet Clubber Lang or Ivan Drago? Did you ever play with an Action Jackson doll? In any event, "FBI Agent Josh" is pretty formal -- can I call you Jackson?In any event, Jackson, who the hell is the "we" you keep writing about? Are you part of a secret FBI task force or are you from a royal family? How's the weather in Africa today?As to your delegate duties in Africa, can you share with me the names of "these fraudsters who are in the business of swindling Foreigners that has transactions in Africa?" I don't want to buzz them in by mistake and invite them into my home. I have some expensive silverware. Just a grammar pointer but I think that the "that" should be a "who" and it probably should be "who have transactions" rather than "that has transactions."As you can imagine, I was pretty surprised to learn that you "found out that there is a total amount of $2.5 Million that has been assigned" in my name. What has me concerned, however, is your warning, which I thank you for, that "these fraudsters are busy swindling you without any hope of receiving your fund, these are the works of the fraudsters who needed to extort money from you in the name of this transfer," By the way, another grammar tip, I'm thinking that there should be a period after the word transfer and not a comma.Another question that I have for you is are you saying that the fraudsters are swindling me and "I" have no hope of receiving the fund (which I think you meant "funds" with an "s" after the word "fund"); or did you mean that despite trying to swindle me, the fraudsters have no hope of receiving the fund or funds or whatever? Frankly, screw 'em; if they can't get my money after trying to swindle me, let them fend for themselves. Am I right or what?If the cost of getting my $2.5 million is ongoing swindling by these African fraudsters, I've got to tell you that it's not all that much of an inconvenience because if you hadn't told me that I was being swindled, I would not have known about it. I have been having some gas pains lately, though, and, just throwing it out there, but maybe the gas is a side effect of being swindled? Is there someone at the FBI you could check with about that gas thing? You have a major lab like I see on all those CSI shows. See what they know about the gas and swindle thing.Beyond my gas pains from the swindling, I was a bit concerned to learn that you "have arrested some men." I hope that you were able to secure my $2.5 million before arresting them. If you haven't, just between us, let them go, watch them, let them lead you and your team to my fund or funds or whatever, and then re-arrest them. I understand that you have a very limited stay in Africa, which is why I have responded so quickly. As such, I understand why you need to conceal things in order to catch the fraudsters unaware. Again, that's why you have my swift response.
Let me confirm, right here, right now, that I have not received any message or phone call from the fraudsters, either those already under arrest or those that you are still investigating. Also, I did not find your message in my Spam folder, so you don't need to worry about my ISP.Two things before I say goodbye. One, should I reply to you at the Japanese email address that I noted is the one your are using? Is that like some top-secret FBI email address used to confuse African fraudsters? Two, you gave me an "862" telephone area code number to call you back at. That's an area code for Northern New Jersey. Wow, your FBI International Banking Unit is in Africa using a Japanese email address and Northern New Jersey (USA) telephone numbers. Too bad Director Comey is no longer on the job because it seems like he did a bang-up job building a top secret communications network for you and your team.If you and your team are buying some farewell gift for Director Comey, something like a stuffed elephant or crocodile belt, I'm willing to toss in my fair share from my $2.5 million fund(s). Send me the card before you put it in the envelope and seal it. I'd like to add a brief note and my signature.RegardsBILL SINGERBrokeAndBroker.com Blog /International Plenary Unit
Where's Waldo -- Where's OWB?
I got a call the other day from a wannabe Whistleblower, who was lamenting to me that he could not locate the Securities and Exchange Commission's Office of the Whistleblower ("OWB"). He said that he had been searching the SEC's website but could not find the OWB's pages. I told him to visit: https://www.sec.gov/whistleblower, which he typed on his keyboard while we were speaking and then thanked me for directing him to the right page.
Frankly, the caller was quite intelligent and I was puzzled as to why he couldn't find the OWB's homepage -- I asked him what he had done to locate it. He said that he started by going directly to the SEC's homepage at https://www.sec.gov/ and clicked where it said "ABOUT" in the navigation bar atop that page. That took him to https://www.sec.gov/about.shtml
Once on the "ABOUT THE SEC" page, he clicked on the list of links in the left-hand column, and after hitting the "CONTACT" tab, was directed to the regulator's main Directory at https://www.sec.gov/node/102846, which lists its Divisions and Offices. He said that there was no listing for OWB. I checked it and, hmmmm, odd as it seemed, he was right.
Next he clicked on the SEC's "Division and Offices" tab, and says that he was directed to https://www.sec.gov/node/91856. Looking through the presentation of the SEC's various divisions and offices, lo and behold, he was right again: There is no listing for OWB.
Then he clicked on the SEC's "Division and Office Directors" tab, and was sent to https://www.sec.gov/page/directors-biographies, where he said that he encountered photos of all the regulator's divisional and office directors but oddly nothing for OWB. I checked and confirmed the missing photo.
I wonder if the SEC is aware of this omission on their website? I'm hoping this isn't by design so as to make it more difficult for folks to blow the whistle.